Feeling Like I’m Not Enough

March 31st, 2020 |
Family & Parenting

by kellylund2017 | Fighter: Appendix Cancer    Connect


Maybe it's the second recurrence requiring surgery.
Maybe it was the colon blockage that required a second surgery less than 12 weeks after the second recurrence surgery.
Maybe it's finding out that my left kidney isn't functioning properly.
Or the daily pain.
Or that I feel like I'm not ENOUGH right now.
Not enough mother.
Not enough wife.
Not enough business woman.
Not enough human being.

I'm usually not an emotional person.
But one day, I burst into tears while making my family crepes.
Would I be here a year from now?
What if I leave my children?
How do I prepare my family now for my departure?
How can I set them up for success when I don't even feel like a human right now?
What kind of legacy can I leave behind?
Will my kids know me?
My son, will he know I loved him? 

My anxiety takes over.
I get snappy and short with my family.
Then I suddenly remember, what if that’s the last conversation I have with them?
I apologize. Then change my tune. 

I hate cancer.
I hate what brokenness has come with it.
I hate the anxiety of not knowing.
I hate feeling sick everyday.
I hate not feeling good ENOUGH.

It has brought me so much joy, yet recently I feel like that joy is taken over by the unknown.

 

Photo courtesy of author. 


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kellylund2017   

My name is Kelly Lund. I live in Reno Nevada with my husband and two children. I was diagnosed with stage iv appendix cancer in August 2014. I have had two recurrences and I'm currently fighting. When I'm not running my small business or dealing with cancer you can find me hanging out with my family or taking pictures and learning how to be a better cook.


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