Feeling Like I’m Not Enough

Maybe it's the second recurrence requiring surgery.
Maybe it was the colon blockage that required a second surgery less than 12 weeks after the second recurrence surgery.
Maybe it's finding out that my left kidney isn't functioning properly.
Or the daily pain.
Or that I feel like I'm not ENOUGH right now.
Not enough mother.
Not enough wife.
Not enough business woman.
Not enough human being.

I'm usually not an emotional person.
But one day, I burst into tears while making my family crepes.
Would I be here a year from now?
What if I leave my children?
How do I prepare my family now for my departure?
How can I set them up for success when I don't even feel like a human right now?
What kind of legacy can I leave behind?
Will my kids know me?
My son, will he know I loved him? 

My anxiety takes over.
I get snappy and short with my family.
Then I suddenly remember, what if that’s the last conversation I have with them?
I apologize. Then change my tune. 

I hate cancer.
I hate what brokenness has come with it.
I hate the anxiety of not knowing.
I hate feeling sick everyday.
I hate not feeling good ENOUGH.

It has brought me so much joy, yet recently I feel like that joy is taken over by the unknown.


Photo courtesy of author.