Taking On My Shadow Self

I learned I can do hard things.

I learned that lesson as a cancer fighter and as someone who had cancer twice.

I learned how to do a Virtual Panel Discussion.

I learned more about Black Lives and how to help and acknowledge them properly.

I learned I can sew 100 masks a day. 

I learned that others have it in them to learn empathy, generally because they experience something themselves, like having to wear a mask to be safe.

I learned that there are good people out there.

I learned life is more temperamental than I previously thought.

I learned I can still connect with others despite how many miles were between us..

I learned through Virtual Reality I can travel the world without leaving my home.

I learned about my Shadow Self and how to accept and acknowledge it.

I learned how to be happy in my own world.

I learned how to be me. What I liked. What I loved. Mostly, who I am underneath it all.

I am not one who believes in resolutions. I feel that we are who we are all year, and a date on the calendar does not change that. That being said, I do have “intentions” I set in my life that I attempt to accomplish each year.

One of the things the Dragontree owner, Peter Borten taught me was how to think about Pain. How to accept it. How to acknowledge it and how to reshape my view of it. This year and moving forward in my life, I remember to ask myself “Who would you be without this pain?” “Who would you be if your past didn’t happen to you the way it did?” “Who would you be if you did NOT have cancer twice?” “Who would you be if you did not have cancer at all?” Would you be as strong a patient advocate? Would you be intuitive with your body? Would you be a speaker, sharing your stories and helping others?

The biggest challenge I am taking on this year is my Shadow Self. For years I have pushed down and repressed memories I was afraid to tackle. Learning to be at one with my Shadow Self is a huge undertaking, but as I said, I know “I can do hard things.” 

Reaching back into my past and uncovering these hard truths gives me the feeling that it will set me free. Already, many of the memories I  uncovered have not been easy to remember at all. It hurts. I feared uncovering the truth meant to reflect on my painful memories. Uncovering those truths taught me not only that I can do hard things, but that I can move on, I can move past them. I can grow. I can become enlightened by them instead of afraid of them.

Moreover, this year and in my life moving forward, I desire to Leave a Legacy of Love. Leaving that legacy has become my mission in life since my second cancer. This year, my words to remind me to stay on course are Encourage, Inspire, and Uplift. All I say and do I desire to adhere to those words to help leave that legacy of love on the earth and universe. No matter what happens.

In 2020, a nodule was found that they originally thought was nothing. Luckily in the past six months, it has barely grown. The doctors and oncologists have no idea what it is, it is only the size of a pea so there isn’t much they can do about it and I have not been able to have a PET CT yet to see if it is active. WE don’t know if it is or is not cancer.

Because of what I have experienced in the last year, because I have grown, I have come to terms with the idea that my cancer may come back a third time. The doctors have said that they do fear and believe that I will inevitably get cancer again. What will I do? I don’t know. The old me would freak out and cry and say how life isn’t fair. The current me says, “If it happens, let’s cross that bridge when we come to it.”

2020 may have been the worst year for a lot of people. However, I think for many of us in the Cancer world, 2020 was nothing compared to what we have already gone through, dealt with, and experienced. I truly believe the Cancer world can help heal the world. I certainly plan to do my part in making that happen. May my words leave a legacy of love on your heart and inspire you to reach for a better world and a better tomorrow.


Photo courtesy of Unsplash.