The stage I'm currently in right now is super crazy. My moods are up and down constantly and it seems like I can't break free from my daily stressors, let alone the emotional side of dealing with all things associated with lymphoma.
This poem was written around 3:30 in the morning after dealing with insomnia for days. We all have heard from somebody: "Just hang in there, keep pushing forward, it's going to be alright"
etc. Naturally we're supposed to be strong, motivated, upbeat and positive but no one ever considers how hard it is to be strong in spite of what you're dealing with.
So on this one morning, I got tired of seeing "Cancer is just a word,"
I got tired of hearing people say, "it's just going to be a chapter in your life."
It may be a just chapter in my life but I'm the the star in it. So please allow me to be weak and don't make feel like that's a problem.
Anxiety, Fear, Depression, Insomnia is truly real
Don't be sorry, embrace it, don't let people tell you how to feel
They want you to be ok, but truth is your mind is fighting every day
It's a battle they don't see, so you smile or fake it, the image to portray
That everything is fine when in reality it's really not
All this talk about what it can't do is nonsense so please stop
Be you, full of fear, doubt, worry, whatever, as long as you move on
There is strength inside each one of those so my friend you are strong
So frown if you need to, cry if you must, no one feels what you do
You're alone and cold in your thoughts much like the CT machine, it's not made for two
Am I condoning crawling into a pit of despair? Heavens no, don't get confused
I'm just being honest because society, friends and relatives want you to wake up with the best attitude
And you should but if you don't, refrain from beating yourself up
Take baby steps, The Arc wasn't built overnight, it's normal to feel stuck
Honestly you might not feel positive at all, some days aren't even on the schedule nor the plan
Just know you're not by yourself by any means and if no one else realizes a fraction of what you go through,
I, Keith Crudup, do.
What is your response to well-wishers who don't get the full picture of how hard cancer really can be? Share your experience in the comments below!
Photo courtesy of Brooke Cagle.