On the outside, I am the epitome of positivity, zaniness and humor. On the inside, this anger and pure rage is festering. This is starting to bubble over into all aspects of my life. I have already dealt with many setbacks in this thing called life. Breast cancer is the one blow I cannot seem to withstand. I don’t know how to cope with it,
accept it or live with it.
Now that I am in the survivorship stage
(one year and two months), I honestly don’t know how to reinvent myself because I am not the "old" Megsie. I literally don’t recognize my reflection in the mirror. My career is in the toilet. I can’t handle stress the way I used to either. I blame this cancer for these feelings. If it wasn’t for the trauma this cancer forced on my body, I would not feel so alone, frustrated, scared and financially suffocating
I’m so angry.
The ever-present fatigue lurks around every corner of my being. The chemo-induced neuropathy
in my hands and feet is a constant reminder that I have no control over my body. I have four blue bruises on my outer left thigh and two on my outer right thigh, at the moment. Should I be worried? Why are they blue? Why has my neck aged so rapidly? It’s just filled with lines that look like layered necklaces around my throat. Why do I still have the lower back pain only on the left side ever since my medically induced hysterectomy and salpingo bilateral oophorectomy in February of this year? I didn’t have that pain before that surgery. Now it’s a constant. Nothing I take or put on it will make it go away.
I’m ever so angry.
The thought of dating and being intimate
with someone makes me nauseous. I have no libido. I don’t want to be seen or touched. What would I even talk about on a first date? I have a profile on Match.com. I honestly don’t know why I actually paid for a six month subscription. I must’ve been delirious that day. Here I am lonely but don’t have it in me to put myself out there again
. What do I have to offer to a relationship these days?
I'm f*cking angry.
My whole world revolves around the fear of recurrence
. I'm scared to eat. My first thought is, "that food will give me cancer again."
I can't just live off of organic fruit and veggies. Then again, the cancer took away my taste buds. I don’t even taste food half the time. I have the memory of what it tastes like. Are my taste buds dead forever, too? Don’t even get me started on health insurance either. Enough said.
I’m truly f*cking angry.
All I want is a professional job so I can pay all my bills and have health insurance. Cancer has taken away my financial independence
. There are so many financial resources for active cancer patients but none for post treatment cancer patients. How is that right or fair? I’ve worked hard for the things that I have. I shouldn’t have to be in default in order to receive help. How am I supposed to keep my stress level down when ALL I do is stress?!
This life on the cancer train is unbearable right now. When will I stop feeling so angry?
Until next time,
How has life after a cancer diagnosis affected your feelings and ability to cope? Share your story in the comments below.
Photo courtesy of author.