Today started off pretty slow. I wasn't really sure how the day would go. How good I feel right now proves that everyday truly is a gift from God and you never know what blessings are ahead of you! I started a go fund me page this morning, and the outpouring of folks that have donated to my cause already is absoltely amazing! I also posted my You Tube page for people to follow me. I stopped trying to be this "private" person that I know is just not in my spirit. I desire to INSPIRE! I have to touch someone and make their burden a little lighter through what I am going through. Otherwise, I feel like I have gone through this in vein. Each day I try my best to enrich my life and the quality of my life by doing something that gets me closer to my dreams. I have no idea where this road ends up, but my prayer is that I will come out clean on the other side doing what I know I love to do: engourage and inspire the masses! I am pretty confident that the sunshine had a great deal to do with how good I am feeling today. That, and awesome plans to look forward to. Going forward in life, I am remembering the things that make the time that much happier to live with: looking forward to things and plans, and things that make you happy. Going after what you desire. Going for what is important to you. Keeping your head up and remembering that life can only be lived for the second, so plan all you want but leave room for the creater to put his 2 cents in and then you won't be as dissappointed when things do not go your way. Keep loving yourself and trying to focus less on the meaning, and more on what you are learning from the experience. I thank God for days like this. I pray to him that many more good days are in my future. Days where I will be inspired. Days where I will continue to love and be loved. Thank you Jesus for clarity and for clearing the way for blessings from up high! 

Today, I did as much as I could to become an active participant in my diagnosis. I became apart of the lymphoma support network, started a profile on the Be the Match.org community, signed up to be a Lymphoma Research Support Advocate, and made contact with my coordinator for my transplant. I also learned that could potentially have an option to do a cord blood transplant. It is nice to know that have options, and the battle is still being fought both in my and with my transplant team. I will continue to ask questions and try to stay as informed as I possibly can about the road ahead. I may not know what to expect in my personal journey, but I can at least be as prepared as possible. Lord, thank you for my sound mind and body. I ask that you continue to bless me so that I can be a blessing to others through my experiences. Thank you for LIFE. Know that I cherish it and I want to LIVE. I know that I may have a hard time and this is normal, but I just want the chance to see this through to the other side. Thank you for my job, my friends, my family, my support, the love and understanding that I have for others. Thank you for revealing to me everything that I need to see. I ask that you please help me to find a balance between doing too much and not doing enough. Help me to remember that I am more than enough. I love you Lord. In Jesus name I pray. Amen. 

As I sit here writing this entry, listing to August Alsina and Nikki Minaj trying to make the best out of what is officially the first Christmas that does not really feel like Christmas at all. I guess it would be good to count my blessings. I am alive. I feel pretty good. I woke up in my own bed. There is currently no bad news to think about. While I am anxious about the future and what is to come, that is no different than any other day. Perhaps I will make this a diffrent day. Perhaps I will try and make this a better day. I will do my best to continue to be myself and realize who I am and what I truly feel. I know what God thinks of me. I know that this has just been a very difficult year and time for me. I was telling my best friend this morning that I truly believe that the voice in my head that wants me to be happy all the time is just not possible the older I get and the more I experience. My intention is to continue to take thinngs one day at a time, one moment at a time. Experience the feelings as they come, and continue to be myself....as I fugure out who that is. Merry Christmas to me. 

Woke up crying. The dream I had was very crazy. I know that is apart of my tears plus the fact that I just get do angry sometimes and hopeless. I think about this process and how much it fuckin sucks. I want to go to work. I want my life back. I want A life back. Any life. It doesn't have to be my old one. Can I make it through this? Can I do this? 

WOW, what a difference a month can make! So on November 17th, my Lymphoma returned after a biopsy showed it had returned in the lymph nodes in my neck. I went in to the hospital because I spiked a fever. Got a round of antibiotics and came home. Back on chemo now, and the new plan is an Allogenic Stem Cell transplant. So I need a donor. So there is stress there. More risk and a longer recovery time. I have to keep the faith. I have to remain strong. I have to keep going. I have to know that life is greater than this. I got a dog. A puppy. his name is Kiba. He is a Jack Russell Terrier and we are compatible it seems. Truth be told, I kinda got him for my husband too. Ever since I have been diagnosed with cancer it seems like all of his friends just scattered like roaches. He seems lonely a lot. Now that the dog is here he has seemed to pep up a little more. Seems like he is happier. Me on the other hand I adore Kiba but I am hoping that I did not bite off more than I can chew. I still have to go through the transplant and I know I have to recover so I am hoping that Dorrian can handle the responsibility when I am down. Because I will be down for a long while it seems. Then, this morning, I found out that my sister is my half match for my transplant. BUT GOD. He always steps in and saves the day! Yesterday I fell down the stairs with the dog in my hands, and just retired to my bed with so much heartache and pain. Like I had failed when I had fallen. Like it really hit me like I hit my back on the stairs. That I really was hurting. Inside and out. I laid there and just cried. Like I did not know what life was about anymore. Depression. It is so real. It hurts so much sometimes. But, there are good days, better days, happy days. Generally, my goal is to make it to the better days. I worry so much. I have to take Kiba to the vet tomorrow because he has an issue with scratching. And then my whole world falls apart again. Why do I keep feeling like I keep failing? One of my bffs tolf me that I really need to stop being so hard on myself. Then, another one of my bffs may be pregnant, and she was told that the was just another bitch statistic today at work. I got another friend that is battling depression after being in an abusive relationship with a loser that is unfortunately the father of her two boys. Which brings me to my next friend, that is battling depression due to her current life circumstances; deadbeat baby daddy, trying to make it throught school, forced to live with an ex boyfriend right now who is a control freak and a big ass baby nigga. When I think about it, I wonder why we have all been brought together. Like, we are some really big society of women that need to be here for each other. For some reason, I am generally viewed as the strongest one. I feel like Kiba. Small, inadequate, helpless, sometimes. I cannot believe I even have cancer. Like, it is in my body. Sometimes just the thought hurts. Writing does help when I can get around to it. We really are all fighting different devils in this life. I am just glad that I don't feel alone always. I thank God for my stregnth and my friends and I pray that we all make it to the finish line. Together. I know we will. Tomorrow my brother is being tested to see if he is a match for me as well. To God be the glory. We're almost home!