Today I started working on setting little goals, things to look forward to. I feel like today got started and ended very well. I woke up humming "This is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoyce and be glad in it!" Went to the doctor and my labs were perfect. Oh, this morning I started giving myself the Neuprogen shots to increase my white blood cell count for the transplant. I had been dreading giving myself a shot ever since yesterday morning; turns out it hasn't been that bad. I did my biking exercise for 20 minutes this morning, and I managed to walk a mile this evening. First time I have really worked out twice in one day but I guess I am working out for different reasons right now. I felt like I got a good bit of rest all day today. I did notice that I have a hard time resting though. Like, I feel as if I should always be doing something to keep my mind occupied. I think my fear is that I will get those "crazy" feelings, like I am outside of this world not really existing and trying to find the meaning of life and every little detail of life. I hate it when I arrive in that space. It feels like I am powerless to my negative thoughts and I cannot control what is going on in my head. I think it generally happens when I am bored or not content with my current situation. Today, the minute I felt like I was going to start getting the "crazies" I ran right upstairs to my husband and tried to sit with him for a while until it passed. It's funny because the crazies always seem to be cured by some kind of alcohol or recreational drug of the green persuasion, but I do not have either of those at my disposal right now. Friends and company help with the crazies too, so I guess it is a matter of keeping my mind occupied. I find myself enjoying word search puzzles more ofter now than ever; another mind deterrent. I think this is another topic for my counselor, and something that I will keep trying to take one mile at a time.....

I am trying my best to do a better job at asking others for help during this stem cell transplant. I try not to put too much on my husband, family and friends. Then I wonder, how much is too much to ask for? When do you try to do things on your own? Do you worry about getting on other's nerves? I do. Truth be told, if I could do this entire process on my own I would not ask anyone for help at all. I try not to feel like a burden. I have read plenty of books, and seen my counselor enough times to remind me that people actually enjoy doing things for me. l wonder....especially with my husband. He seems like his life is so awful right now. He told me that his life already hard enough and he could careless what people think about his attitude. I don't know. That hurt. When he feels overwhelmed, it hurts. I'm asking God about the direction of my marriage. What I should do. Which way I should turn. Is this the right place to be? Would I be happier if he was not around? Am I just overreacting? Is divorce or separation an option? Jesus be my guiding light, and bless of block these thoughts. 

So, after about a month of freedom, I am starting my journey through an Autologus Stem Cell Transplant tomorrow. How do I feel? Scared of course. This is uncharted territory for me so just like going through chemo, I have no clue what to expect. I have tried my best to enjoy myself during my time away from hospitals and doctors and sickness. Being in "remission" has had it's ups and downs. On one hand, I am excited about the prospect of having a better chance at being cancer free for an estended period of time. On the other hand, I am nervous about the recovery process and I think that is only because I have no idea what to expect. I just ask that God follows me through this process and keeps me safe and gives me the stregnth. 

What does the word "strong" really mean? How do you know that you have really been strong through a particular situation(s)? My conclusion would be, that when you can reach a point where you can look back on your past experiences and say "I made it through that" you truly can call yourself strong. My jouney with cancer has really been my test of the word strong. It isn't until I really sit and look back on what I have been through do I start to get teary eyed and sad for my former self. I was really, truly in a great deal of pain. Surgery, fevers, dizziness, fatigue, fainting, low to no energy, hopelesness, can't walk, can't see stragiht, don't wanna live, don't wanna move, just don't wanna participate in LIFE. During those times, the clock seems to stand still in time. It seems that the days get extremly longer, and there is absolutely no end in sight. But then, the day does end, and then another day comes, and suddenly, you seem to continue to put one foot in front of the other. Before you know it, you are sitting in front of your laptop writing about the time when you never felt you would be strong again. Everything ends, even pain. Live ON! 

So today I attended my education appointment for my stem cell transplant. We went over my medical evaluation results from my last appointment and everything, my CT scan of my head, my bone marrow biopsy, my pluminary function test, ALL came back clear of lymphoma! I believe I am in shock by this. Having this disease for as long as I have, and going through everything that I have been through really makes you feel like good news is never coming, but it does. Today, I feel amazing, I feel like I have really gave this thing a good fight and it will not get the best of me. Today, I feel like I have really put my faith into place. Today, I feel like nothing can stop me. It really pays off to have one foot in front of the other, and live life one step at a time. I truly HAD cancer as of today!