I find it fascinating that I have been unable to find my voice until after treatment. After the crisis has passed.
I was too busy doing. I could not see what was happening.
Now I can see the damage. The scar and indention where the port was over my left breast. The full left breast and the small right breast. My right breast which is now actually the size I like. My right breast that was full of cancer with a large neat scar across the the entire breast, a signature left from the surgeon. My right breast with the mastectomy incision that has split open, the weight of the fat tissue pulling it further apart by the day.
And eyelashes that have grown back and again rub my glasses lenses.
And hair on my head which has grown back quickly and quietly, short but full.
I can see the case of medications that ruled my existence: meds to sleep, meds to control the pain, meds to help you eat, meds to keep you from freaking out.
I can see the bed where I literally lived for days at a time, unable to lift my head let alone get up. The bed where I lay as fluid was pumped into my body to keep me stable.
I can see the hallway where I collapsed when my blood pressure dropped too low.
But I cannot see tomorrow...next week....next month....next year.....

Just don't share too much. Don't say unhappy things - people will worry things have gotten worse. They will start calling relatives. "Has something happened?" "Are you okay?"
NO! I am not okay!! I have cancer!
"Well ya, but nothing new?Phew, I was worried."

I HAVE CANCER!! STAGE III INVASIVE BREAST CANCER THAT HAS ENTERED MY LYMPH SYSTEM! THEY CUT OUT PART OF MY BODY IT WAS SO INFECTED WITH THE CANCER!! MORE THAN ONE PART OF MY BODY!!!
FOR GOD'S SAKE I ONLY HAVE 1 BOOB! AND I AM GOING TO HAVE TO CUT THE OTHER ONE OFF JUST IN CASE.

But no, nothing new.

My heart breaks as I watch them sleep. Sleep comes to me in short bursts, a few hours here and there.
So I listen to their breaths fall, the murmured protests to struggles in their dreams.
They sleep uninterrupted for hours, blissfully blind to everything. I envy them so much.
I feel I can never escape my precarious reality. Walking a razor edge and smiling - listening to everyone saying I am fine now. Terrified of the invisible threat, praying that "complications" will not worsen.

Tired. What does it mean to you? What did it used to mean?
I once heard that if you sat in a dark room for 5 minutes and fell asleep you were overtired. Can you imagine NOT falling asleep in those conditions?! I can fall asleep in an elevator.

I almost fell asleep writing tjis post. Lol

Tired. What does it mean to you? What did it used to mean?
I once heard that if you sat in a dark room for 5 minutes and fell asleep you were overtired. Can you imagine NOT falling asleep in those conditions?! I can fall asleep in an elevator.

I almost fell asleep writing tjis post. Lol