October 9th, 2017
| Survivor: Central Nervous System Lymphoma
Fair warning: I don't mind offending cancer.
Dear Cancer: Why did you think that you could just come and did what you did? Who the fuck do you think you are? Let me start off by telling you that life after you hasn't been all that easy. I have had a lot of horrible moments. You made me feel heartless. You made me turn into this monster that no one wants to be around. I don't even want to be around myself at times.
Do you know the feeling of coming home at night knowing that everyone thinks of you as a failure because they just fail to understand you? You have tried over and over again to make me feel like that. When I talk about you, it's not for a "Sorry." It's more for a "Holy fuck. You did what to who?" But lately, all I have been getting is a blank stare. Before you, I was always ready for anything that life threw through my way. I was 24-year-old Mouhamad Beydoun; never once did I see you coming.
But I have also had so many great moments in my life after you. You allowed me to fully express who I am as a person. You made me love the people that loved me when I was going through my battles with you. You also taught me not to fear anything, because you are the most feared on this planet, and yet I DESTROYED YOU.
Isn't it funny how I say that with so much confidence, yet feel so ashamed when I speak of you? I guess it's because I still lie to myself. Of course I fear you coming back, and of course I will never stop talking about you. I tried to express my feelings about you, but it came out with so much anger that you turned people off. I became this self-explosive kid that would jump on impulse... and you, my friend, added gasoline to the fire. You made my impulses even stronger.
I carry you around thinking that one day I will just forget. How can I forget when you almost killed me? I go around telling people this is my story and advise them to live life to fullest, but the response I get back isn't the one I'm always looking for.
The anger that I have comes from a place of all the lost opportunities and things you made me fail to see. But guess what, you worthless piece of shit -- I am no longer going to pay you the attention you thrive for. I made you history and I showed you who is boss. You will no longer abuse me or my family with your ugliness. You can't steal my time any longer because you are now just dead to me. The very same thing that you tried to do to me is what I ended up doing to you.
The hate I have for you is like no other. Tonight, we mourn celebrate the "loss" of a "dear" damned friend enemy. No one is sorry for your loss. Instead, we are all cheering it on.
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Photo courtesy of the author.
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