May 5th, 2013
| Fighter: Breast Cancer
What do you think about before you go into surgery? It makes your mind race. You have random thoughts that combine with scary reality of the surgery itself. Ann Marie shared her raw, unedited thoughts with us in this guest blog post...
I had already had an ablation, lumpectomy, mastectomy and was about to have the implant surgery. I felt like a pro but at the same time scared like a newbie, but I couldn't control my rambling, pre-surgery thoughts...
So here's every thing I was thinking:
After a great night's sleep (BLAHAHAHAHAH), I am ready for a coffee or surgery. I wish I was going to be awake just before surgery to say "Scalpel", it sounds so doctor like. As I have said before, I have a very bad habit of saying the most inappropriate things while under, so this seems harmless. I stopped eating after midnight, good thing I didn't have the late night munchies. And now I get nothing, not even coffee, a mint, water, gum. WHY me why? Ok so this is the rule before surgery but I really want coffee. Today is surgery number 4, YUK. I have seen my boobs change so much in the past 6 months it is crazy. From getting them mutilated at the lumpectomy (no fault of my amazing doctor- the nipple did not look great after), then they got lopped off and filled only to be cut open again and stuffed. I just can't wait to get them tattooed. My husband Tom drew the prettiest magnolia and butterfly - it's going to be hard to not show those off!
While I know there is no limit to how many surgeries one can have, let's be honest about it - the more you have, the higher the risk. There is always the risk of infection. I mean that is one hell of a cut they are making AGAIN - it is not paper cut. Not to mention, I do not do well with anesthesia. PLUS, what shoes am I going to wear? I may have set the bar high with my mastectomy heels (link). And this random thought of the typical grandma comment keeps popping into my head, "make sure you have clean underwear on, 'cause you never know." That one always cracks me up, but I am stressed I will pick the wrong underwear! If only I had pink ribbon panties, LOL.
I am scared they will open me up and see cancer all over and then I am screwed. Totally irrational, I know, but seriously this journey has been uncontrollable. I hate it. The recovery (even though I hear you bounce back quick) will leave me laid up for awhile, I HATE SITTING STILL!! I want my real workouts back. I want to get rid of these 10 freaking pounds I put on. I am 4 feet 11 inches, that weight shows. It still blows my mind that they perform these surgeries and then send you home that day. Do not get me wrong, I do not want to stay over, but there are people who need that stay. SHHIIITTT I come home to a house full of kids. I do not think I thought this through, looks like NyQuil for all!
Instead of sending me well wishes, cause let's face it I am just going to be laying there, send them to the doctor and the staff. Let your good vibes give my plastic surgeon a steady hand, calm, mind as he does his work. I swear if I wake up looking all Dolly Parton heads will roll! Hope that the hospital staff has the patience of a saint for dealing with me today and the humor of a comedian, they are going to need it. I just hope the waiting room is big enough for my entourage. I had a dream that my doctor was Edward Cullen's "father" from Twilight (yes I am too lazy to look his name up). I cannot tell if dreaming your doctor is good or bad? I am more of a werewolf girl after all :)
Thank you to my cousin Heather who set up the mealtrain for next week. Although we do not need it, it is totally appreciated and I know people love to do that. We look forward to some good eats. My son Anthony told his class that when I had surgery "we had to eat his dad's cooking and deal with it". I am not sure what he is talking about because the meal train was awesome and my man makes one hellava pizza (for someone of the non-Italian species).
I will be signing off for now. Tom will blog later about surgery and tell you all how amazing I am and that he could not have a better wife. Then MC (my best friend who has never left my side) will post on FB how she is thinks that I am Superwoman and she wants her daughter to be just like me and not like her at all. My friend Genevieve will be there snapping pictures and telling me to "work that hospital gown". My father, G-Deb, my brother and my sister will all be in the waiting room discussing how maybe just maybe I really am a princess after all...
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