Life has a strange way of being able to change in the blink of an eye. Never did I imagine for a second that I would be diagnosed
with cancer at age 35, only to then struggle with depression and anxiety, and go through a divorce, but still be where I am today. But here I am and I have a few things I'd like to say to the one who has helped me heal after everything I have been through. The one person who fell in love with me after my husband left me
when I was at my lowest. I was broken but that didn't matter to him.
He came into my life the day I had my port removed
. We went on a blind date one month after my treatments ended, but I can’t help but wish, sometimes, that he could have known the pre-cancer me.
So, to the one I love...here are five things I wish the most.
1. I wish we could have met when we were younger.
I don't regret the life I led, I just wish you could have been a part of it. You would have loved me - the me before cancer
. The me that was fun and loving, the me that was cancer-free, the me that was depression-free and the me that was anxiety-free. The me that was carefree, and didn't have a worry in the world.
2. I wish you were there with me when I was diagnosed with cancer.
I don't wish cancer or any other illness on anyone and I certainly don't wish it upon anyone to have to witness a loved one going through an illness, but I wish you were there to be my support, my crutch, my person. There were days I needed you, there were days my children needed you. The only problem was, I didn't know you were out there in the world. I didn't know that all of this was happening just to lead me to you.
3. I wish you were there after my aggressive cancer treatment ended and my depression and anxiety set in.
I needed you then more than ever, but again, we didn't know each other existed. Maybe you could have helped me control it before it spun out of control.
4. I wish you were there for my kids when they needed a male role model in their life.
When they needed to be taken away from the image of me laying in bed fighting for my life or the crying me that couldn't function because of depression and anxiety. They were taking care of me, but I know you would have done your best to help them through the difficult times. You would have made things more manageable.
5. I wish, most of all, that now that I’ve met you, you will always be here for me.
I hope that you will always be there to be a positive role model to all my children whether I am alive or dead. I am looking forward to living until 80 at least, so hopefully we can do this together. To love each other enough to raise my children and our child together to be the best, caring and loving people that they can possibly be.
I have no idea where I would be if we didn't find each other. I am very thankful that all of my tragedies have brought us together. We may not be perfect and we may have our ups and downs, but damnit, I won't give up on my happy ever after! I didn't go through all of this to be unhappy. Both you and I deserve the very best this world can offer us.
Image courtesy of the author.