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An Open Letter To Not-So-"Dear" Cancer

January 6th, 2017 |
Survivorship, Creativity

by Adelecroteau | Survivor: Cervical Cancer    Connect


Before I begin this letter, let me digress...

Funny how we have all been trained to start all letters with 'Dear...', which is such a warm and endearing term. As if implying that who we are addressing our letter to is someone who holds some special place in our hearts...Some long lost friend whom we wish to reconnect with. "Hey you. How have you been? We should meet up and catch up...".

This is the definition for 'dear' in Merriam-Webster’s dictionary: "highly valued; precious; a dear friend". So let's take a step forward now. This letter I am about to write is being addressed to Cancer. With that definition in mind, I have two words that immediately come to mind – Bull. And Shit. And that is me being polite and G-rated. OK, now let me begin my open letter to Cancer.

    Cancer,

    No, not 'Dear Cancer', just 'Cancer'. You don't deserve me beginning this letter with 'dear'. In fact, is there anything you deserve? Not that I can think of at this very moment...or ever.

    I've been thinking about our 'relationship', and how as with all relationships I’ve ever had, we've had our ups and downs. We've encountered many roadblocks along the way, hit several different levels of emotions. One thing I can say with 100% certainty is, regardless of what happens, where I go, who you move on with, you will always be in my life, sadly. As much as I try and shake you off, tell you that it’s over, scream out to you that we are DONE, you’ll always be lurking there in the shadows. You can’t catch a hint. You don’t process the message and once and for all just leave. No, like some bloodsucking leech that won’t let go no matter the amount of salt we sprinkle on you, you are there. You are super-glued in my soul.

    We first met some 9 years ago when you decided to knock on my mother's door. We tried to slam the door shut in your face, and for a brief moment, we were successful. But like the big bad wolf who blows his way through the straw house, in you came and wreaked havoc on my mother, my family and my life. You grabbed hold of my mother’s physical strength and tore it apart. Then again, in 2013, as spring approached and we were once again able to open the windows to let in the fresh air, in you flew and landed in my body this time. So I put on my boxing gloves and kicked some serious ASS. I went in strong and came out stronger. WHAM!!! BAM!!! POW!!!! Sucks to be you Cancer!

    But again and again, you are there, in my life, in the life of others. It may not be me, but you are there. In my subconscious. In my dreams. In my thoughts. In my breath. You took my friend’s husband. You took a father to two growing boys. You took my friend’s mother. You took a grand-mother to her loving grand-son. Again and again you take and take and take. You are always creeping around, waiting. You slink and snake your way in others lives. And still there is nothing I can do. Cancer, you should be ashamed of yourself. You disgust me, always and forever will.


Cancer, I will end this letter simply with the following lyrics by a Kendrick Lamar song, "I hate you" :

    I don't like you
    Scared of you but I will fight you
    I stare at the ceiling and think about you
    Curiosity killing me, thinking of when Ima meet you
    You introduced yourself to so many others, mothers, sisters and brothers, children and babies
    Drive me crazy
    I wonder
    Why you love people that love people that do right?
    Is it rocket science to you or is it just your type?
    One of my biggest fears, is waking up 4 in the morning and gotta hear you met one of my peers
    Or maybe a family member that you thought was cool
    Or maybe a person that I’ll never meet cuz of you
    You, son of a b**ch and I wish you never existed
    And I swear I’d blow your brains out if you pay me a visit
    But that’s not realistic, cuz you’ll never rot
    But Ima still send this letter off
    And when you get…..please take it personal.


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Adelecroteau   
Adele Crouteau is a proud daughter, silly sister to 3 lovely ladies, a loving wife and beaming mother of two beautiful kids. Her life was overturned in 2008 with the death of her mother to ovarian and peritoneal cancer. Just as she was coming down from the shock,she got her own diagnosis of cervical cancer at age 37. You can find Adele on IHC under the username adelecroteau.

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