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Neal-Klein's picture

Neal-Klein

Caregiver: Pancreatic Cancer

65 Year Old Male

North Haven, CT

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2015

Pancreatic Cancer

Stage: IV



Some Musings as I Mostly Talk to Myself

September 28th, 2017

Entries or posts to someone that infrequently checks on this site because for whatever reason the notifications that we have some sort of communication on this site is not coming thru on my emails nor hers. In any event, I put them together as they may have some music you would like to listen to, or if you want some amusement, you can go to my facebook page and listen to some of my songs...

There is also a poem, that may be a song, who knows....for now, it stands as a poem.

i am just seeing your message from sept 7 which was my birthday...btw.... i will listen to the songs....music has been a godsend..... verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry helpful.....i have also started writing my own songs...... look me up on face book.. neal klein....look for the pic of me and my grandson...as there are several neal klein s ..... and again my email is

nmitchk@aol.com

i wrote a song called beautiful person......for someone on a blog site that said they no longer felt beautiful after chemo and radiation....... so many feeel that way..... the treatments are brutal.... brutal....

Neal-Klein
September 27th, 2017 - 09:20pm

https://youtu.be/giqXicuZuRw

so...in listening to the songs you sent links for....i came across this...the link above... the harmonies are ....well....let me just say... transcending.... you can see what you think, feel......

also i have a cover of an Adele song to send to you..... have to go get the link.... I learned two Adele songs that I was supposed to sing at the hospital.... story for another time.... but I have become a music volunteer at the cancer hospital where Emilee was treated...

do you love to sing? you mention singing in your post above...... I do... love to sing, that is...... music has been such a wonderful gift of healing in many ways.... helping to cry it all out, to crawl, walk, through the storm of grief.... one of the early ones was Billy Joel's lullabye...... his version, and then I heard the group called "The idea of NORTH" do their version.... ohhhhh.....tissues needed.... and how many times i sang that song before i could sing it without crying...... soooo many
going to send this and then send a couple other links....

Neal-Klein
September 27th, 2017 - 10:31pm

did I send you the website..it has allllll my writings and poetry pretty much

lifeafteremilee.com

i know you don't need all these song links but several are real gems..... and on some the harmonies are soooooo sweeet......

https://youtu.be/e6RyUfh86wA boyz II men medley just nice harmony

https://youtu.be/eFIE9GKNdH0 Cover Adele ...... All I Ask…….. by Aaron Encinas , Mia Pfirrman, Matt Boyd ...wow

https://youtu.be/DDWKuo3gXMQ Adele….When We Were Young ....this song is like a drama... such a ballad

https://youtu.be/M4T2WZL3b6k Ariana Grande with Nathan Sykes… Almost is Never Enough ...a love song

https://youtu.be/u8qtmWUmoLE Cover .... Lullabye (Goodnight My Angel) by Billy Joel, perf. By The Idea of North..wow on the harmonies

https://youtu.be/dcnd55tLCv8 Billy Joel…..Lullabye beautiful .... i listened to this before finding the above version

https://youtu.be/FHO6a2H-pqY Billy Joel.... And So It Goes a sad song his piano and singing..you just feel it

https://youtu.be/i-pwTP9rCSk Angel by Sarah Mclachlan perf by The Idea Of North nice but i like her own on this one

https://youtu.be/ozKsQnRHb-c Angel by Sarah Mclachlan

Neal-Klein
September 27th, 2017 - 10:59pm

listen..... my email is nmitchk@aol.com (you think I repeat myself???????) if you are comfortable sharing yours, let us ditch this blog site since it is a pain in the butt really...

and while I am at it.... my facebook page (neal klein has quite a few of my songs.... but some are verrrrrry rough...lol.... I wrote "beautiful person" after someone told me how crappy they felt about themselves after chemo and radiation.... it is posted on sept 26 i think.... this post is better than an earlier one ...probably a couple of earlier ones...

facebook is a practice platform..... good for starters....but I found a better one.... there is a place in New Haven (I am in North Haven, CT) where if you volunteer, each hour gets you either a half hour of performance on stage, or recording with their equipment................. so last week, saturday afternoon.....I played about 9 songs...to non audience.... about 5 people were there.... which was fine with me.... it was good practice.... when I was 12 I used to love to perform... now I feel like I am sharing something that was meant to be shared, and to give this joy to others....

I sure do hope you eventually read these posts....lol..... I mean, I don't mind talking to the wind...but it sure is nice to listen to another voice coming back to me other than my own.... i like echoes, but i also like harmonies

If you sing, I would like to hear..... and this is my birthday month...so you have three days left to wish me a happy birthday month........ three days.... I have a feeling you are still dealing with your dad's difficulties.... hope he is okay...

and have a feeling it will be more than three days till I hear back from you.....is what it is

Neal

Neal-Klein
September 27th, 2017 - 11:12pm

so...i figure why not just bombard you....lol

this is my facebook post from yesterday.... you get a free poem with it....the melancholy I speak of comes from the fact that August was Emilee's birthday month, and mine is September..... I used to write her a few words each day of the month.... and got sad when the month was over....but then it was my birthday month....but then...I got sad when my month was over....as it is approaching its end.... but I am practicing new things.... like mindfulness based stress reduction meditation..... I am coming back to it I should say.... I did it many years ago...... I am finding it helpful on several levels... embracing the emotion, feel it, observe it, feel it in my body, embrace it, release it....and it is brain training...it is ongoing....and it is at once both so very simple, and yet has potential to be so very profound.

okay

okay......Day 26....I am doing my best to Not get washed over with the same Melancholy that happens at the end of August and returns with the end of September....I am trying to stay in the present and not the future or the past.... but NOT SO EASY....especially if it is something I am accustomed to doing...old tapes do not erase so easily

someone told me their spouse, was diagnosed a month or so ago with very end stage pancreatic cancer, and after one round of chemo, decided he did not want to spend the little time he had left going through such indignities such as uncontrollable diarrhea, and all the rest, and I believe they are dealing with the end of life stage at the moment.

I know this poem has unrealistically compressed grief, but that is ok, and I realize that a person will tenaciously cling to that person's love until they find the space and the healing and the reluctant desire to honor them by "giving it away" (the love) to others who need love.

I wrote this and don’t know yet if it will fit the tune that was in my head yesterday. Maybe and maybe not…I wrote it with the intention of singing it…but don’t know yet…. It stands alone as a poem, not sure about a song…… tooo many words???? It is a ballad…..and I am coming to like the rhythm of it..

How Do You Know There Is Hope, When You Can't See Around The Bend .... OR... maybe just.... Love To Grief To Love.....I got it....

Love Grief Love

what do you say
when your spouse decides
chemo is, too rough a ride
and only buys too little time
you hope you shared
your last goodbyes
you already said
so many words
you never thought
you'd have to say
now it's time
for meds to dull
the pain you need
you need to lull
you both fear the end
since you don't really know
what that is like
but it's time to go
the time is near
you lie down with
and get so close
you want to be
within his skin
you're holding hands
the fear just fades
and there's this peace
from another place
that someone made
no space no time you breathe
you float in place
and feel peace
wash over his face
amidst the pain
that tears your heart
you sense his joy
as he departs
as he journeys with
and you're now alone
you feel full
full of his peace
and then a cyclone hits
and you feel wrenched
right off your feet
like your gut's
been cut out complete
and as the pain
that is your grief
overtakes your soul
there's no relief
it's your first step
toward the distant light
the journey of
from death to life
the phoenix will
take to flight
inside your soul
you have his love
he feeds to you
from above
now yours to share
with all still here
that's how we honor
his memory
and how he now lives
inside our hearts
and how we must give
his love away
to all those
who need love
in any way

but that comes later
for now you will cling
to his love as
your life ring
to help you float
so you don’t drown
as the waves knock you down
you don’t want to, but you will
get up again and again and again
because he would want you to
and that is your strength
when you don’t have
any left
NmK


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