Caregiver: Pancreatic Cancer (Stage IV)
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My Journal
Whole In Your Heart
August 16th, 2017

This could also be Whole In MY Heart, but whatever, it is a part of my HOT AIR series, lol, my daily posting on my face book page which I also posted on my website ( for August, because August is Emilee's birthday month, and when she was alive, I would change the erase board in the house every day, even if I just changed the count of the days. This year, my first year without her, I am posting things on her and my face book page. This is one of the posts.

The Whole in Your Heart

I think this is a song… after singing Adele’s “When We Were Young”…and repeatedly crying my eyes out the first few times trying to sing it, I then looked at this poem…and… I think with a few tweaks, this is a song, a ballad, a story, and I like it. And the “HE” can be switched to a “SHE” but I wrote it with a grieving woman in mind, so hence the “HE” here. It also applies to myself.

I will be honest here and say this straight to you
I wrote this with someone in mind that grieves and not specifically for you
I wrote it for them and for me and for anyone else grieving so
I wrote for strangers I never met and that I do not even know

but I realize now that I think it may possibly be a song
that I can sing with all my soul once I find a melody that belongs
I think it is a song, that has spoken through my heart
and will speak to others too who’ve seen someone dear depart

I hope you will indulge me, and I insult you in no way
with words I have not so perfectly here and there, put together for you today…..
I hope it brings a deep breath and sigh I hope not too many tears please don’t scoff
and if you do not like it much, please do not find you need to chop my head right off

and it may or may not
speak unto your aching heart
and please stay open to the feelings
and try not to pick it all apart

and so, without any further ado

and it is my belief…..that the hole in your heart…. you say it will never heal….
and that is most likely true….
but you will find the hole gets a little smaller,
scars over and doesn’t bleed quite as profuse …….
and somehow if you stay open to it,

out of the ashes and the crumbling dust,
comes something you did not foresee and it emerges against this crust
this crust of scar and tissue and tears
you thought would go on and on and not end
because sometimes when you feel that way
you cannot see around the bend

and yes you can carry your pain
and even you may not want to give in to relief
and yes you can’t imagine
never carrying so much grief
and i won’t tell you not to grieve
oh you won’t hear that from me
but at some point you may transform some of that pain
into something you could not see

right now you still feel bitter,
and you hurt for what you lost
you will always carry that pain (some of that will always remain)
and it came at an uncountable cost

but some pain you will transform to love
for he would not want you to suffer so
and I would bet all I had (not much ’tis true) that if he could talk to you
he would say,

“one day you will be able to take that pain, and feel my love instead
and I want you to embrace the world and try to wrap this around your head”

“that I gave you a gift my love ….that was, my love you know,
and now you cannot hold on to that too tight (for that would not be right)
I just want you to start to think what good, if you do not share
don’t hold my love that tightly, there are others waiting there
who need that love which is meant to spread, and shine my light with your love and grace,
it is this way that you honor me and our love, by giving it away”

“you give to the child that is sick
you give it to your friend or family
you give it to a homeless hungry soul
that is how you honor me”

“and in this way as you give my love
you are giving your self a gift
for you may just find as you share my love
you give yourself a lift”

“you are sharing me with the world, and not so selfish be
for as you share love with the world you honor and remember me”

“a lift from pain to joy (joy? how is that, that I could feel say you)
yes joy again my darling one, for that is what is real
when you feel joy my wings do move and I so softly alight
and light here where I am, becomes just a little more, yes,
a little more intensely bright”


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