Dear Cancer, I thought I broke up with you in 2009. Wasn’t it obvious that we had no future together? I let a toxic drip run through me each week for 15 weeks to chase you out of my life. I was never interested in a permanent relationship. We had no future together. It was so important to move on from you that I almost self-destructed in the process. If this chemical message wasn’t clear enough, then what about my six weeks of radiation? This seemed like straightforward, break-up talk. I burned and nearly branded myself to show you what I am capable of to get rid of you. Admittedly, I got you out of my body, but I can’t get you completely out of my head. (Although by no means will I give up trying.) We continue an estranged relationship. When you burrowed deep within, from a place spinning out-of-control, you infected, attacked and shattered me with a stage 3 diagnosis. We went at it like boxers in the ring, didn’t we? You: tenacious, menacing and intimidating. Me: enduring, trying, and believing to stay on my feet and survive . Battered with scars visible and invisible you felt unstoppable and relentless. You won the battle some days. I, however, won the war. Let me be crystal clear, dear Cancer, that I made good use of our terrible time together. I redirected myself. Frightening, unwanted you definitely disabled me. Don’t dismiss, however, that you also enabled me. My unexpected outcome from my time with you was that you healed my life. Yes: healed me. Even though you’re in my head some days, you’re toxic grip over my mortality faded. The scars have too. And most wounds. And while this happened, I fought for my life. At the same time, realizing my surprising bravery and resiliency, and how they got rid of annoying you. Cancer, and possible death, the two situations I was most afraid of before, I can presently say “been there, done that.” I have survived YOU. And the demons, anxieties and fears you bring with you. Your twisted “gift” gave me compassion for myself and others. I’m still healing and I witness brave others trying to too. I used you to be a better me. I move beyond anger, despair and uncertainty, and stop to breathe, reflect and let in renewal and recovery. As with all unhealthy relationships, not even the toughest bodies and souls can completely erase the trauma. The reflection brings "lesson learned" moments. I can be vulnerable and feel “lingering anxiety”, “worry” and “fear” and hear unhelpful voices in my head. This is the baggage of our bad relationship. Let me continue my conversation with you, dear Cancer, and be clearer. Your random, death-choke attempt on my fate taught me some amazing things. You did not take everything. Your attempt was callow. What you left behind helped achieve something more useful. The parts you left behind help me help others with their problem relationship with you. Leave me alone. Our relationship is done. Be warned. I have warned many strong, resilient, people about you. They will also work hard to break up with you. They will succeed. Believe me.