Canzer Stalked Me Into the Laundromat: My lucky socks were dirty. I was at the local laundromat near my apartment, minding my own business when, well, how should I explain this? I didn’t even see it at first, as it limped across the room. The smell of rotten-garbage-after-a-union-strike spoiled the fresh scent of lavender dryer sheets. The air got sucked out of the room, and I realized I was alone. All of the sudden, it was right next to me, slumped over, staring me squarely in the face. I’d never seen anything like it in my life. It had damp, gooey, pudding-like flesh. It was definitely not human, more like something that got bounced from the Star Wars Cantina. I couldn’t look at it, and yet I also couldn’t look away. In a long, soulless, putrid breath, it explained how big a load it would be on my life. And how many cycles we’d do together. Spin, spin, add more money to the machine, spin. Repeat. It told me we would meet up every few weeks for the foreseeable future, whether I liked it or not. It laughed at the mental anguish and frustration it would cause and cheered at the death of my sperm. I picked a bad day to do the laundry. I wasn’t going anywhere, so I asked it’s name. “Canzer,” it mumbled. Then we talked for too long. Here’s how the conversation transpired: Canzer: Hi I’m cancer. And you’re Ethan. I already know that because I’m following you on Twitter. Ethan Zohn: I hate you. C: That’s not very polite. EZ: I’m going to call you “canzer” from now on, as a sign of disrespect. C: We’re kinda getting off to a bad start. EZ: You can say that again. Why are you all up in my grill? C: I’m gonna be honest. I tend to be a stalker. I do this to a lot of people. So you might as well talk to me. EZ: Hellz no. I’m not into the “frenemy” stuff you see on The Real Housewives. You’re my main enemy. You’re Ethan Enemy #1. [Laundry cycle spinning…] EZ: Ugh, fine. I can’t believe I’m talking to canzer. I’ll ask you a question people ask me this question all the time but I never know how to answer — “How you are feeling?” C: Well, to be honest, I feel horrible. I have this project I’m working on but I can’t seem to figure out how to get it done. It keeps slipping away from me. EZ: I really couldn’t care less about your project. Actually, I’m ecstatic that you are failing at your life’s work. C: I try to dig in, but the “project” I’m working with is being really difficult. First of all, he is extremely good looking and I can’t compete with that. EZ: Go on… C: Second, he is the strongest human I have ever met in my life. I think he may be Arnold Schwarzenegger and The Hulk’s love child. Or maybe he is Patrick Dempsey and Katniss Evergreen’s kid, I don’t know, but he is unstoppable. EZ: He seems like a wicked cool dude. C: Plus, he has millions of people from all over the world supporting him, reading his blog, cheering him on and praying for him. They are incredibly powerful and hard to deal with. EZ: Again, sounds like a really great guy with some unbelievable friends. What’s the problem? C: Well…where do I start? It’s, like, totally impossible get his attention. He totally disrespects me. He bad-mouths me publicly all the time. He even de-friended me on Facebook. And he told me this robe would look better on a rhino. EZ: Yeah, well, it would. Stick to blacks and blues. In fact, it looks like your butt ate your robe and then threw up all over itself to make a newer, but much more ugly robe. Anyway, yeah it sounds like he really doesn’t like you. C: I’ll probably just give up and look for a new job with someone else. [Laundry tumbles audibly] EZ: Listen up, the ruse is over. I know who you’re talking about, and I know it’s me. So listen carefully, ‘cause I’m only gonna say this once: Get up and run. Run as fast as you can. This guy will destroy you with precision and ease. And if he doesn’t, his incredible doctor friends will make you disappear faster than you can say machine wash cold. He will make sure you have no influence on anything he does and he will rise again as a more powerful and transformed super human that will live life more vigorously than ever before. C: But…but… EZ: No buts! The only butt is the one I’m kicking out of this laundromat — and out of my life. You Suck. I hate you. [Laundry stops spinning]